- begins in the action
- present tense (I am, not I was)
- short, sharp sentences
I drift around the 180 corner smashing into the wall taking out the tyres. I step on the throttle racing past my cousin. I drift around another corner crashing into my dad making him spin out. I carry on past the finish, a couple of laps to go. Oh no I’m spinning out, I head into the pits and race on out again. My uncle races out of a short cut, cutting in front of me making me crash.I head back onto the track pulling out in front of my dad. My dad gets angry, he steps on full throttle passing me on the last corner. Finally he goes screaming over the finish line leaving me behind him.
Here is a quick video of groups acting out what they did in the holidays.
Brilliant Josh! I love the way you have used short, sharp sentences. I really felt like there was a race being commentated as I read it!
ReplyDeleteNice language of success josh keep going.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing Josh, it makes me feel like I am back watching you live at the Drift Racing. Keep up the fantastic work.
ReplyDeleteIt is such exciting writing that captures the moment perfectly. I can picture everything in my head. It sure sounds like you all had serious fun!
ReplyDeleteGreat start, Joshua!
Great work Joshua, I like it how your making the story more interesting by making it sound exciting.
ReplyDelete